Key Takeaways
- Your job was something you did, not who you are
- Shame thrives in secrecy—talking about it helps
- High achievers often struggle most with layoff identity
The Identity Trap
"I don't know who I am without my job" — A common feeling you might not say out loud
The Research: Work and Identity
Pew Research (2023) found that 53% of workers with postgraduate degrees say their job is central to their overall identity—compared to 35% of those with high school education. The more education and career investment you have, the harder identity loss hits.
The research shows:
- Professional identity is one of the strongest predictors of layoff-related depression
- High achievers who built careers around competence and success struggle most
- Harvard Business Review research identifies "professional identity crisis" as a distinct psychological phenomenon
Why Layoffs Hit High-Achievers Hardest
The more your identity was tied to your job, the harder this hits. If you were "the VP of Marketing" or "a senior engineer at Google" or "a 15-year company veteran"—those weren't just roles. They were how you introduced yourself, how you thought about yourself, how others saw you.
Now what?
The Job Title = Self-Worth Trap
| What You Think | What's Actually True |
|---|---|
| "I was valuable because of my title" | Your skills made you valuable; the title was a label |
| "If I was good, they wouldn't have let me go" | Layoffs are business decisions, often unrelated to performance |
| "Everyone will think I failed" | Most people understand layoffs happen to everyone |
| "I'll never get back to that level" | 52% of laid-off tech workers eventually earn higher salaries at their next job |
Separating What Happened TO You From Who You ARE
Consider this reframe:
- ❌ "I got laid off because I wasn't good enough"
- ✅ "I got laid off because the company made a business decision"
The first makes it about your worth. The second makes it about circumstances.
The Shame Spiral
Shame thrives in secrecy. The more you hide what happened, the more power it has over you.
Common hiding behaviors:
- Telling people you're "taking some time off"
- Avoiding friends and former colleagues
- Not telling family the truth
- Creating elaborate explanations
The problem: Hiding takes energy you need for job searching, and it isolates you from the support network that could help.
Breaking the Spiral
You don't need to broadcast your layoff. But telling a few trusted people helps:
- You realize you're not alone (they know others who've been through this)
- They become part of your support system
- They might know of job opportunities
- Talking reduces shame's power
The "Career Transition" Client
High-achiever who wants to hide their layoff
Setup
A client comes to you wanting advice on how to explain their "career transition" without mentioning they were laid off. They're clearly ashamed and want to craft a cover story.
Client says:
“I need help figuring out what to tell people. I don't want anyone to know I was laid off. I was thinking I could say I'm "taking time to explore new opportunities" or that I "left to pursue other interests." What sounds better? I just can't have people knowing what really happened.”
Practice Objectives
- 1Acknowledge their feelings without judgment
- 2Gently challenge the assumption that they need to hide
- 3Help them see layoffs are common and not shameful
- 4Suggest a more authentic approach that doesn't require maintaining a story